Thank you for your patience. Since I am actually quite busy I never would have offered to critique your piece had I been aware it was as long as it is. Perhaps you mentioned it, but in my haste, I overlooked that fact. Nonetheless, since my youngsters have access to our proxy server here, I was a bit taken aback by the opening chapter and initially thought it was a pornographic novel. A disclaimer would have been in order to obviate any possible embarrasment to readers who might have children (who might recieve mail on the same device)

ANYWAY, that being said you write well and have obviously put a great deal of time into this effort. It follows the format of a "New-Line Cinema" release. Not sure if that was your intention but I am put into that frame of reference upon reading it. It might do well as a screen adaptation but honestly I was hard pressed to continue reading past the first few chapters because I had no sense of connection with the characters. I just didn't *care* and was wondering well into the novel why I *should* care about them...(nothing in common with them I suppose?)

The sex act occured early on, so there was no allure to continue reading to see if the seduction would be successful. Personally I like romanticism. altough the sex scenes came over well and followed the commercial formulas, ..I somehow felt it was gratuitous

I found much of the dialogue (sporadically it was readable and actually led somewhere, othertimes not so) to be redundant and lengthy. (What is the point of all this, I found myself thinking) Particularly in the scene between Shango and Aiysha when they are discussing the shower scene-that was a bit unclear even after re-reading it. Chapt 7 was more consistent and easier to read you -have a good handle on dialect (Jamaican)

I am also assuming you are writing from Europe since the dialogue and phraselogy is not consistent with what I am used to here in Altadena, USA(cock? cunt?) so that is a moot point Since I am admittedly not a professional critic and this is not a public flame my intention is to express my impressions.

I think this would be an excellent movie script- Dialogue would be rewritten/shortened to be consistent with film style scenes

AS a novel---hmmm I dunnno. It was a labor for me to continue,. I bounced  around a lot and went back to re-read sections.. I do a lot of reading and that tells me that something is missing.. maybe some of your other beta readers will add their pieces of the puzzle and shed light on this..

Just my two cents worth Not sure if you're asking for more than this since there was no survey attached when you sent it.

Peace out soul brother

ML, Email reader,

Date: Sun, 18 Jan 1998 14:52:42 -0800